Swirling

Surely I have to accept responsibility. This happened “on my watch”. However there is no margin for error. There is no room for offset? There is no discussion about options to mitigate. Someone must go.

This restlessness is me besting (or is it yielding to?) my demons.

My yearning is to have someone, anyone, tell me what to do.

Is my surrender to come at this type of crossroads? Dawn’s was so physical and so finite.

One of the questions to consider is how is this situation familiar to those that have played out before? What patterns are discernable? What have I failed to see? Hear? Act upon? Own?

Hello Old Friend

I just love reunions.  It has been tooo long.  When I see exactly how long it’s been I realize it is as it should be.  You’ve crossed my mind with increasing frequency over the past several weeks asyour whispers grew in volume and pitch.

So here I am.

Here you are.

Let’s  go!

Holidaze

Tired. Spent. Void.
So much effort, time and energy spent.
Momentum lost. Next?

Low Lights

It was one of those days.

I almost cried.  And would that have been the worst thing?  No.

I felt as if what I do, what I have been toiling at over the last 6 weeks was for not.  Spitting into the wind.  Standing alone with the world’s weight on my shoulders.  A failure.

How could we be having this discussion today?  The very necessity of it means that other conversations were not heard, allowed in or digested fully. It means we weren’t working in concert so much as parallel.  It leaves me tired and cold standing alone.  Bruised.

Next sleep, perspective and renewal (hopefully).

falling apart

looking around me i pause

i wonder where they are?
when it happened
why not me
why not us
why not now

what’s the difference between us?
one step faster
one second sooner
one decision different
then it would be me
they would be we

curiosity?
fear?
guilt?
gratitude.

Yesterday’s Reading from The Book of Life (J. Krishnamurti)

The Anchored Mind

We carry on like machines with our tiresome daily routine.  How eagerly the mind accepts a pattern of existence, and how tenaciously it clings to it!  As by a driven nail, the mind is held together by idea, and around the idea it lives and has its being. The mind is never free, pliable, for it is always anchored;  it moves within the radius, narrow or wide, of its own center.  From its center it dare not wander;  and when it does, it is lost in fear.  Fear is not of the unknown, but of the loss of the known.  The unknown does not incite fear, but dependence on the known does.  Fear is always with desire, the desire for the more or for the less.  The mind, with its incessant weaving of patterns, is the mater of time; and with time there is fear, hope, and death.

Daily Dose

Last night’s reading was on pattern and the mind’s need for it. The hunger for sequence and order is insatiable. It is a self-serving act for the mind, the thinker, not the person. Which left unchecked by an off-balanced vessel can evolve into a self-loathing cycle.

When I get home later I’ll post the reading itself.

The synchronicity of the reading and my last post is beauty and truth.

Home Alone

There’s something freeing about a break in routine. Today it was working from home in my jeans at the dining room table. The day flew, productivity picqued and satisfaction withheld.

To Do List
Prision
Organized &
Orderlies
Checkmarks. Arrows. Hashmarked.
Done.
Buried. Empty. Withheld.
Invisible. Vessel.

Function over form.
Formless. Aimless. Hidden.
Busy seeking out
Distraction Attraction
Clash
Void
[swish]

My pain’s bigger

Absurd notion, isn’t it? 

Yet this is the voice I hear (yes in my own head) as I am sweeping the floor, after cleaning the downstairs toilet because it reeked, after cleaning the dishes from your dinner (which was tasty by the way), after spending the afternoon in pursuit of other people’s must haves – this store for my daughter’s costume and that one for my son’s …continue ad nauseum.

Wet kisses and warm hugs greet me on my return, I know this but I don’t enter the house.  I select a chair from the lawn, taking care to relocate it to a sliver of sun laying on the driveway, and I sit, sigh, and smile.

A New Beginning

I’m not even certain how this got started.

Well, I guess that’s not a true statement because everydaywoman has been evolving steadily for the last six years (at least). So you hardly know me (you know more than you think about me already) and you know that I understate myself with some degree of frequency.

Hmmm – yep, feels right, so it must be true.

Truth. Another topic for another day. One that we can explore together.

Our journey begins, now. Today. Together. Weeeee!